All Aboard! | Eurovision Song Contest 2018

15 May 2018

By Berdan Kaplan - This weekend, more than 200 million viewers could once again enjoy the annual gay Olympics, aka the Eurovision Song Contest 2018! Last year, Salvador Sobral took home the big microphone trophy and also brought Eurovision to the beautiful city of Lisbon. Let’s see what Portugal had in store for us this year. But wait, is that the burning smell of a piano? Never mind, it’s just Ukraine starting off the show by rising out of a piano that is surrounded by fire. C’mon, it’s Eurovision, this is the new normal.

This year, we had the honor of Ed Sheeran and Sia joining us on stage! Unfortunately, I am just talking about their weird doppelgangers; Michael from Germany (4th place, why?), and Equinox from Bulgaria. Another fake celebrity was Elsa, the Ice Queen! If that high pitch from the Estonian singer didn’t give you a headache, I don’t know what elsa will. Maybe the fact that she ended in 8th place? Then, there are the Vikings from Denmark, and not to forget the Australian Adrienne Bailon aka one of Disney’s Cheetah Girls. I swear to God, they look alike.

Overall, it was yet another big parade full of magical performances, cough cough. The mysterious violin guy from Norway didn’t get enough from his first win, so he thought he’d join again (sigh). Oh, and the UK… poor, poor girl. She got interrupted by a maniac in the middle of her performance. Luckily, we had France to help us recover with their song consisting of the words ‘Merci’ and ‘Je m’appelle’, the two phrases in French everybody in the world knows. Well played, mon ami. 

But, of course it wasn’t all that bad. Eurovision 2018 was full of cute guys and hot gals. Besides all of the actual flames on stage, our Albanian Cyprus girl Eleni heated up the competition with her Beyoncé-Shakira vibes and her fierce song Fuego, which is Spanish for fire, ironic isn’t it? But there was more! Austria’s leather torso, who would’ve won if it were up to the actual jury; the Czech Mikolas with his ‘original’ dance moves and his unneeded backpack; and last but definitely not least, my personal favorite: Benjamin Ingrosso, who represented Sweden with his catchy single Dance You Off (no idea what he means by that). He was in second place and obtained a beautiful 253 points from the juries but then he got struck by a lightning called tele voting: 21 points, seriously? By the way, I was talking about Shakira earlier but Benjamin’s hips definitely don’t lie, neither did his trousers. 

As you may know by now, a lot of things happened that night. Our eyes started tearing when we saw the host country ending in last place; our ears started bleeding when we heard Hungary perform; our hearts started beating faster for Ireland’s adorable gay love story; and now, our minds are getting crazy because we cannot get that chicken sound out of our heads. 

What have you done, Israel? I’m not your toy.

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