Robin's Magical Horoscope #2

23 January 2019

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

As the most fiery and passionate sign of the zodiac, the horror movie that fits you most is Raw by director Julia Ducournau. A French horror movie that tells the tale of a young girl with the ambition of becoming a vet, that breaks her lifelong vegetarian diet when arriving at veterinary school. The story quickly devolves into a gorefest of cannibalism and gruesome bloody sex scenes. As an Aries you are confident and loving, but also short-tempered and aggressive, so the combination of love, passion and seas of blood will fit you perfectly.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) Tauruses are patient, reliable and devoted, which is why they are most fitted to the horror movie Mother! by Darren Aronofsky. The life of  long-tortured wife and mother, played by Jennifer Lawrence, is destroyed by the ego of her husband when he creates a cult of personality around himself. Thousands of people move into their beautiful, desolate home and destroy it with parties (the horror of every Taurus!). As a mirror to the story of Jesus and Genesis, Mother’s baby is killed by the crowd of people, sending her into insanity. As a homebody and lover of quality time with yourself, this story will haunt you for ages.



GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

Gemini, Gemini, as gentle and curious as you are, you are also incredibly indecisive and inconsistent with others. Thus the movie that will interest you is Suspiria, either the original by Dario Argento or the 2018 remake by Luca Guadagnino. You are a lover of music and arts, so the dancing and awesome soundtrack (the original by Italian band Goblin and the 2018 version by Thom Yorke of Radiohead) will leave you breathless. You hate being alone and feeling trapped, though, so the claustrophobic feeling of the movie will definitely leave you frustrated and scared for your life.


CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

You are a moonchild, and an incredibly emotional one at that. As our favourite crybaby, you’ll be obsessed by the movie The Orphanage by Juan Antonio Bayona. It tells the story of a woman that moves into an old orphanage, and finds that the former residents have a story to tell her. They do this by haunting her in her own home, and since you see your own home as a sacred place, the feeling of being watched will definitely keep you awake at night. However, it is also an incredibly sad and moving story, which will give you the chance to open up a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and have a good cry.


LEO (July 23 - August 22) I know you skipped the rest of the article and skipped right here, because as Leos we are some self-obsessed people. But don’t worry because I did pick my favourite horror movie of all time especially for us! As a Leo, you are dramatic and you love giving performances, even in daily life. Possession by Andrzej Zulawski boasts one of the most iconic performances in horror history, by actress Isabelle Adjani. She divorces from her husband, leaves her child and moves into a desolate apartment to kill men and create a flesh monster that she will use to clone her husband (Leo antics, am I right girls?). At a certain point she goes completely insane while walking to the subway, and rolls around in her own spit and blood while screaming incoherently. Many people have tried to mirror this scene, but will never live up to it. Which does describe us Leos well: we are completely authentic to ourselves.



VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)

I know you think you’re too grown-up for horror movies, dear Virgo. But I also know that deep down, it’s because you’re too scared to watch them alone. As the representative of the planet of love, Venus, I thought a romantic horror movie might interest you. It Follows is about a curse that is transmitted through sex, which will cause a demonic figure to start following you and never stop until you ‘infect’ somebody else. But it is also a nostalgic tale of friendship and what it means to have sexual relationships with others. You are definitely somebody that thinks a lot about the meaning behind your relationships, and you worry way too much for it to be healthy. The scary thing about this movie for you is that even with worrying and working hard, there is no way to escape until you curse another person.


LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)

A diplomat of the zodiac, you are fair-minded and social. But you also avoid confrontation at all costs, and you suffer from self-pity parties almost every day. The Wicker Man (the 1973 version, never the modern remake, NEVER!) will bring forth your worst nightmares. A British policeman goes to investigate some disappearances in a isolated town somewhere in the UK, and slowly finds out that the town is a bit too much involved in the occult. It has gorgeous shots of the outdoors, which you will want to pin onto your inspirational moodboard. However, in the end, even as the policeman tries so hard to be harmonious and solve the situation, he gets burned to death in a giant wicker man (surprise!) while calling for God to help him and the people of the town watch on, wearing grotesque masks. 



SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21) Scorpio, you are the one with the mysterious (sometimes explosive) aura, and your life is known to be chaotic. For you I recommend thus the movie The VVitch by Robert Eggers. An indie darling that fits your curiosity. A family of American colonizers move to the wilderness to start up a new homestead, but instead find their children stolen and a demonic goat walking on two legs. But the young woman at the center of the story turns out to be just as resourceful and brave as you, Scorpio, and turns into the witch as told of in legends.



SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) You love freedom, travel and you have a great sense of humor, Sagittarius. We might all know Nicholas Cage, but who knew he would be able to play in a great movie like Mandy by director Panos Cosmatos? The movie is witty, moody, has a great soundtrack and features some of the best use of color of 2018. It features Cage as a man that loses his wife to a cult, and then forges a giant silver blade and rides a motorcycle to go kill some demonic cult members. In one scene, Nicholas and a cult member get into a chainsaw fight, and somehow, somewhere a tiger gets released? In any case, this film fits your adventurous spirit perfectly. 



CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19) Capricorns need a movie that they can think about and use to sound interesting at parties. For that reason Melancholia by Lars von Trier is a good choice. Even the title sounds pretentious! And it does fit your mood of disliking pretty much everything, since the world ends (spoiler!). What is interesting, though, is that the movie starts as one story and ends in another. And it does have a big focus on family and music, two things Capricorns prioritize in their lives. In the beginning, it’s all about a marriage and the bride’s intense depression and need to be alone (relatable Capricorn feelings!). But then it shifts, and suddenly an entire planet is hurtling towards Earth, and the movie tells us how trapped we actually are on this world.



AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

You are an original thinker, we all know that. But sometimes you can be a bit too original and then you become a temperamental bitch. Your aloofness and uncompromising attitude can make you a bit of an intense character to be around, therefore the movie Creep by Patrick Kack-Brice and Christopher Smith should find you relating to the main character. You both love intellectual discussions and you are both good listeners. I do hope that you aren’t a crazy serial killer, though! You hate being lonely and dull, just like Josef, the main character of the movie. Only he decides to remedy this by inviting a videographer to his house, becoming friends with him and then eventually trying to kill him. But as an Aquarius you do intensely hate limitations, so maybe when I tell you this won’t be a good idea, it’ll make you do it anyway! 


PISCES (February 19 - March 20)

Sweet, peace-loving Pisces, you would never watch a horror movie voluntarily. But, I do know that you are definitely an art hoe and you like to flex on Instagram about your taste in film and music. So, why not watch Japanese horror movie Occult by Kōji Shiraishi? It’s a found-footage documentary about the investigation into a mass murder in a Japanese resort. It’s inspired by the works of H.P. Lovecraft, and a spiritual and dreamy person like you should like the occult and UFO themes within the movie. It builds up to a bombing that kills 108 people, which as a person that hates all things cruel, should give you nightmares. I know Pisces are big babies when it comes to being scared, but I want you to take this on as a 2019 challenge, okay? 



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